Lord, Renovate My Heart…

Recently I have been engaged in a renovation project that has made me face unexpected lies tucked away deep within my heart.

When I was in Middle School I had to take my first ‘Shop’ class. I still remember to this day when I had to face “The Drill Press” for “the first time”! I was sure I could operate it with “SKILL, the first time” I was asked by my teacher to perform a test. (Notice, the words, “the first time?”) I had observed others use it with ease and from a distance it looked like something ‘anyone’ could do.

You see, I had been raised on a farm part of my childhood. I learned to drive a standard gear shift from our big, red tractor and I could pull a brush hog with breeze.  I helped raise 3 pigs (Mole, Larry and Curley). They did go missing one day and I never solved that mystery?? … Except, come to think of it, we did ‘just happen’ to have a good load of pork after that…??? 😳

I could swing an ax and run a chain saw, like a pro. I could easily saddle my donkey ( Coach) and fight the crazy duck and red rooster that often attacked without notice.

So a drill press… NO BIG DEAL, right?!!

Sooo…. I stepped up to the plate, pulled down the press on my wood, and before I realized it, wood was shooting across the Shop Room!!!! People were ducking, my teacher was yelling, and me… well, I was shrinking back and trying to hide in a room full of laughing peers!!!!!

From that day forward, I bought a lie In my heart. I MUST NEVER use power tools AGAIN!!!! I was no good and dangerous. It was better for me to avoid all tools that would make me re-experience the failure, fright, and shame that happened that ‘one day’ in Shop Class.

This past weekend as my Staff and I were in the thick of renovating, I mustered – enough courage to think I could tackle a pallet wall, as long as I had a ‘cutter!’ I went as far as I could. (First row…haha 😂). It was then I realized I needed someone to help me. If they would cut, I would lay. That worked for about 5 minutes, until my cutter got pulled away and I was stuck! I stared at my halted progress for a moment and realized, it was time…. “Time” to face my fear. There was so much to be done and more work than laborers. I could NOT be the one to ‘halt’ the whole process. IT WAS TIME for me to Face my hidden lies and learn the ‘POWER SAW!!!’ 😰

I turned to a fellow Staffer and asked her to teach me how to use it. She had no idea the shame, insecurity, and lies that went alongside me with the idea of me even learning to use this “intimidating machine!”

When I go into Home Depot or Lowe’s, it’s like I’m a magnet to the workers. Male and female alike, come up to me and ask if I need help. When I tell them what I’m looking for or trying to do, they automatically ask, “Have you been on Pinterest?”  How do they know this??? Then they ask, “Is your husband helping you?” It’s like they can see through me and know, “I’m not qualified to use all the tools I’m asking to see!” It’s like they have this hidden knowledge about me, that no one on the planet knows!!!

Anyway, my day had come. “It WAS time.” I needed God to renovate my heart, and give me courage to face something that had paralyzed my ability to be fearless in an area of my life.

How about you? Do you have any areas in your life where hidden lies have paralyzed you to be ‘fearless” in your God- Given Purpose? Can I encourage you today? God knows. He sees. He is well able to help you overcome.

I never thought the shame of my failure in using power tools would ever affect my effectiveness to do what God had called me to do. It worked culturally. People seemed to assume, I just wasn’t cut out for power tool use. I always had a crutch of someone else who I could call upon for my ‘power tool’ needs….. But the truth is, it has never been about ‘power tools’, but about a lie. I believed that I was inadequate, a failure, and not capable in an area of my life. That lie in the area of power tools, has resurrected in other areas of my life. Anytime I feel inadequate I remember the shame of that moment, and it tells me I cannot do whatever else is in front of me.

If I’m honest, since I have stepped into this new position as President of Awe Star Ministries, those same lies, that found root in Middle School, have tried to keep me bound from stepping fully into this new role God has me in.

The truth is, “I am adequate, qualified, and able to do ALL things God has called me to do.” This includes operating a saw that I was fearful of using. Not because I have impeccable skills, but because of God who called me, has qualified me for the task ahead. HE knows my fears and speaks Joshua 1:9 over my life; “Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

He speaks this over your life too! Would you entrust your fear to Him today and see what He does with your courage to overcome? He may just renovate your heart, like He did mine.

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